At our monthly women’s circle this past Sunday, we explored the topic of body positivity. Not an easy topic, but those in attendance all contributed heartily to the discussion, and it was beautiful to hear all these women talk about how they deal with the issues of female body image.
Whether a woman, man, or nonbinary, you have been subjected to body norms set by our fickle society.
While women have traditionally been more of a target, men suffer too, and it isn’t far to acknowledge their struggle.
For example, here is a chart of the male standard of beauty:
While there are differences, it isn’t as drastic as women. One man can conform to each of these standards without surgery or too much effort.
Well, maybe not in the 80s. I’m seeing flashes of Arnold Schwarzenegger—who still fits that mold as he approaches his 76 birthday.
However, woman’s standards that been much more drastic than men’s. Take a look at the chart below.
Unfair, right? Well, enough of this. Let go of the shame. Stop thinking about the parts of your body you want to change.
Why? Because…who cares? Who are you trying to impress? How does it serve you?
It doesn’t.
Instead, let’s embarrass body positivity. Because we only get one body and one life to live in, stop wasting time on self-judgment, and bring on self-love.
How? Here are a few tools:
Tape love notes to your mirror.
Scrub Social Media Feed — Add Positive Minded People & Groups
Let go of the people that don’t support you and bring in supportive people.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Your body is unique; embrace your uniqueness!
Focus on what you like about yourself.
Accepting that body image distress as normal (You aren’t alone!)
You aren’t alone! I was shocked to learn that I fit into the average American woman. I am 5’5 and 140 pounds. While I know I’m in relatively good shape, I still see flaws in the mirror, more so as I age.
I often reflect on how harsh I was on myself in my 20s. I see pictures and can’t match my hate for my body with the beautiful young woman I was. Hell, typing out beautiful just now felt wrong. I wanted to hit the backspace, but I didn’t. Why? Because I am embracing self-love.
This body gave me 2 beautiful children and has been my constant companion for 44 years. So I am choosing to celebrate it. And you should too!
I’m leaving you with a bit of homework. Take out a piece of paper or open up the notes feature on your phone and answer these questions:
Why am I grateful for my body?
What makes you valuable? (Because you are more than the way you look!)
Hold onto this paper or save the note and come back to it whenever you are being particularly hard on yourself because your body is strong, resilient, and beautiful. The only one you’ll get, so start treating it like your dearest friend—because, at the end of the day, that is what it is.
Have you ever told yourself you should have done something differently, should have known better?
We have all done that as well.
Here are some follow-up questions to consider.
Have you ever been able to answer why?
Has saying I should have done things differently made things better?
Lots of questions, I know, but sometimes there are no answers when we speak to ourselves this way.
Language is important—this is another message that is commonly heard. Make sure that you say what you mean, share your feelings, and communicate effectively.
I believe that all of it is true, but ask yourself: How are we communicating with ourselves?
When we use negative language, we make ourselves feel negative, and we all have enough stress already.
Asking why leads to the thought process that you did something wrong and feel guilty, which never feels good.
Saying you should have done something may elicit a negative feeling, such as shame.
Instead—ask yourself different questions like:
What did I want to happen?
What were the barriers to getting what I want?
How could I have done things differently?
These are better questions than merely asking why. This is because those types of questions allow you to express your hopes, dreams, and fears in a way that does not lead to shame or guilt.
For example, if I say to you: Why didn’t you call me? You will likely feel guilty feelings for not having done so.
However, if I say, “I wish you would have called me because I missed you.” It is a totally different message—a much more positive message.
Saying you should have known better feels very punitive, unlike when someone says Iwish things would have turned out differently.
Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, spent a lot of time talking about how we may have irrational thoughts, such as we must behave a certain way. The three statements most associated with this theory and Dr. Ellis are: “I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy.”
He coined the term “musterbation” which refers to people believing that they MUST live by a set of absolute and unrealistic demands that they place on themselves, others, and the world. When engaging in this cognitive distortion, people try to motivate themselves and push themselves into shape, emotionally and physically, by using “should,” “shouldn’t,” “have to,” “ought to,” and “musts” These words are a set-up for negative self-judgment and feelings of guilt.
Dr. Ellis would say: Who is telling you that you should, that you must? He would then say be quiet and stop should-ing yourself!
Think about saying things differently to ourselves and others. Give some thought to what you really mean when you say why or should. You will be surprised if you increase your awareness of the negative language you use on a regular basis and how you can increase positive feelings just by changing a few words.
Instead of saying I should be kinder to myself, say I believe in myself. It just feels better!
Caroline Myss says, “Receiving intuitive information or guidance is effortless. What is difficult is removing your fears about what your intuition is telling you. Treat yourself and the voice of your psyche with respect, because it is a living force that yearns for channels through which it can communicate.”
You might be asking yourself, “How do I treat myself and the voice of my psyche with respect?” Here is what I’ve learned through years of study and practice:
Take time to listen to the voice within through journaling and meditation
Follow the voice within because when you show yourself that you are listening, the voice gets stronger
Keep learning the many ways in which your intuition speaks to you and practice intuitive exercises to sharpen your receptivity
Connect with other intuitives so that you have a place to express your frustrations, share your synchronicities, and receive support and validation
It’s so important to delve deep into yourself at this time because when the world around us is bumpy, our inner voice will help keep us centered and balanced… and happy!
I’d love for you to join me on Tuesday nights as we come together for a deep dive into your voice within. See the Airmid class schedule for details.
