by Guest Contributor | Mar 6, 2023 | Wellness
By Beth Bloom, MS, LPC, C-DBT
Why didn’t I do this? Why didn’t I do that?
We have all done this…ask why questions.
Have you ever told yourself you should have done something differently, should have known better?
We have all done that as well.
Here are some follow-up questions to consider.
Have you ever been able to answer why?
Has saying I should have done things differently made things better?
Lots of questions, I know, but sometimes there are no answers when we speak to ourselves this way.
Language is important—this is another message that is commonly heard. Make sure that you say what you mean, share your feelings, and communicate effectively.
I believe that all of it is true, but ask yourself: How are we communicating with ourselves?
When we use negative language, we make ourselves feel negative, and we all have enough stress already.
Asking why leads to the thought process that you did something wrong and feel guilty, which never feels good.
Saying you should have done something may elicit a negative feeling, such as shame.
Instead—ask yourself different questions like:
What did I want to happen?
What were the barriers to getting what I want?
How could I have done things differently?
These are better questions than merely asking why. This is because those types of questions allow you to express your hopes, dreams, and fears in a way that does not lead to shame or guilt.
For example, if I say to you: Why didn’t you call me? You will likely feel guilty feelings for not having done so.
However, if I say, “I wish you would have called me because I missed you.” It is a totally different message—a much more positive message.
Saying you should have known better feels very punitive, unlike when someone says I wish things would have turned out differently.
Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, spent a lot of time talking about how we may have irrational thoughts, such as we must behave a certain way. The three statements most associated with this theory and Dr. Ellis are: “I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy.”
He coined the term “musterbation” which refers to people believing that they MUST live by a set of absolute and unrealistic demands that they place on themselves, others, and the world. When engaging in this cognitive distortion, people try to motivate themselves and push themselves into shape, emotionally and physically, by using “should,” “shouldn’t,” “have to,” “ought to,” and “musts” These words are a set-up for negative self-judgment and feelings of guilt.
Dr. Ellis would say: Who is telling you that you should, that you must? He would then say be quiet and stop should-ing yourself!
Think about saying things differently to ourselves and others. Give some thought to what you really mean when you say why or should. You will be surprised if you increase your awareness of the negative language you use on a regular basis and how you can increase positive feelings just by changing a few words.
Instead of saying I should be kinder to myself, say I believe in myself. It just feels better!
Learn More about Beth
by Dottie Kelly, LPC, RN | Feb 2, 2021 | Happiness, Inspiration, Mindfulness, Wellness, Writing
Ring In The New And Ring Out The Old
by Dottie Kelly, LPC, RN
Hello to everyone! Welcome to 2021 and all the possibilities it holds!! Many of us begin our New Year by enthusiastically writing our resolutions. Resolutions can provide energy and motivation as we stand on the precipice of a new year. Each year many believe that this time will be different, this will be the year that they actually stick to their resolutions.
It is difficult to create new patterns and behaviors. Most people will grow weary from maintaining their resolutions and end up losing motivation after a few months. Often, resolutions are about losing weight, eating better, exercising more or not watching as much TV. These resolutions, however, are about behaviors and do not address our inner core, our deeper needs or the feeling of emptiness.
Perhaps our New Year could be about creating a more purposeful life, a life that is dynamic and full of energy. A purposeful life is about engaging in the things that we are passionate about and feed our soul. A purposeful life is not about selfishness, but rather, it is about exploring how to bring joy to ourselves and others. Priya Parker, author of “The Art of Gathering,” talks about having purpose in any of our gatherings; a birthday party, wedding, family get-together or meeting up with friends. Parker suggests that we should identify the purpose and be creative in our gatherings instead of falling into old dusty traditions that prescribe how our gathering “needs” to be. Parker talks about being mindful of the moment, staying engaged and bringing our full energy to the day or to any gathering
“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt.
A purposeful life is about saying “no” to things that don’t align with who you are in life or your higher purpose. It is about being ready to say “yes” to things that bring you closer to the integrity of who you are. It is about bringing full attention and intention to your life choices.
This New Year could be about finding what truly matters to you at your core. What helps you to be the best person you are able to be. Instead of creating a list of behaviors that you want to change, maybe re-focus your thoughts to the things that you intentionally want to champion into your new year and consider the things that you choose not to bring into this new year. You can start by identifying what brings you passion and joy and how you can spread it to others.
I came across a poem written in 1858 by Alfred Lord Tennyson and as I read it, I realized how much it correlated to our current times. I began to think that perhaps we, as a country, have not explored who we are at our core. That we as a country have not consciously created a purposeful life and that we continue to repeat many of the items (elements) written about in this poem. I invite you to read Tennyson’s poem and consider how it may relate to your individual life. Consider those things that you feel need to be shed in order for you to create this new space.
Ring Out, Wild Bells
Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Ring out the grief that saps the mind
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.
Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.
Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes
But ring the fuller minstrel in.
Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.
Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.
Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.
Writing Prompts:
- Make a list of things, people, belief systems, etc., that you want to “ring out” of your life
- Make a list of things, people, beliefs systems, etc., that you want to “ring into” your life.
- Choose one of the items on your “ring out” list and write about how that became a part of you and your life. What is the understanding about having that in your life? How has it impacted your life? And what has it prevented you from saying “yes” to?
- Choose one of the items on your “ring in” list and write about why you want to welcome that into your life. How does this item fit with who you are as a person? How does ringing it in add cadence to your life?
- After writing your list of people, places and things you want to ring out and ring in, follow the pattern of the poem and replace Tennyson’s words with your own.
- As always have fun and feel free to totally ignore my prompts and follow your passion!!
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